105: Let's Talk About Postpartum Sex!

When it comes to sex after having a baby, what’s normal? If we’re honest, we have had these questions and probably been afraid to ask. After all, who do we ask? How do we improve the communication between partners about sex and sexuality? These topics are very important, both during the pregnancy and during the postpartum period. We talk primarily about heterosexual relationships in this episode but some of the dynamics affect all sexual relationships.  My guest today holds nothing back! She has a refreshing, honest, and direct approach to everything you want to know about this topic. Elyse Springer, MA, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist who practices in the Los Angeles area. She uses a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, EMDR Therapy, and psychodynamic modalities to assist people with depression, anxiety, death and loss, relationship conflicts, HIV/AIDS, Perinatal Mood and Anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and trouble with the creative process for artists and writers. Elyse has taught and lectured in a variety of settings and serves on boards and task forces in support of Maternal Mental Health and other causes that are closely related to her work in private practice.   Show Highlights:   How it became clear that this topic is one that Elyse wants to help people understand more fully A common complaint during the postpartum period for moms: being “touched out” The difference in sex and sexuality and how a woman’s sexuality can change after giving birth Adult woman’s sexuality vs. younger woman’s sexuality The definition of a “sexless marriage”---having sex 10 times/year or less The average frequency of sex before a baby is 1-3 times/week---the key after giving birth is to look at what the frequency was before the birth How fatigue and sleeplessness impact sex drive Is there a difference in a woman’s sex drive after a C-section as opposed to vaginal birth? The specific overall pattern to resuming sex after a baby A common dynamic is when the partner isn’t supportive but still wants sex The distinction between sex and emotional intimacy that allows for sexual satisfaction in a relationship The four parts of sex: desire, arousal, orgasm, and relaxation (for women, sometimes the desire comes AFTER the arousal) Different levels of desire and communication for men and women How a baby can fulfill the mother’s need for connection and intimacy For survivors of sexual trauma, the pregnancy, birthing, and postpartum period are full of potential issues The tricky dialogue around sexual victimization--especially if the woman hasn’t been 100% honest The common cycle of anger vs. anger vs. anger The amazing groundbreaking research by Darby Saxby from USC about the equal dynamic in households How touching increases the connection How a mother changes physically AND mentally after giving birth Elyse’s exercise about writing down your five best sex moments before the birth and asking how you can get back to those How resentment forms from HER irritation and HIS rejection and withdrawal How to listen to those bids for affection How open dialogue about sexual satisfaction can be the precursor to actual sex in the postpartum The ridiculously inaccurate stereotypes of female and male sexuality on TV and in movies: the vampy young woman, the cougar, and the goofy inept dad stereotype The concrete assumption that it’s ALWAYS the mom who doesn’t want sex How men’s testosterone drops in the 4-6 months postpartum Common issues with dads: not knowing the oral language of caring and affection and bearing the mental load to ease up anger and resentment   Resources: www.elysespringer.com Twitter: @espringermft